Langdon: Neila's Bitch

OTHER NICKNAMES: Mr. Princess Corn Log, The Loan Wolf

Tiffany's husband Langdon and I were good friends who genuinely respected one another. Dude loved to hang out and party, was able to deeply connect with great rock and roll, and was a sweet, considerate gentleman with solid common sense and work ethic. And, he backed a mean trailer.

He was not a complex or sophisticated man, but the potential to evolve was very much there and he had a good eye for discerning the good from the bad, the toxic from the functional. Such a quality is seriously at odds with being a good Flozberk.

From 2012-2015 we hung out many times, very enjoyably. Cold beer, bong hits, music, concerts, tacos, pizza, etc. Ample chat, often very candid, was a staple of our good times. Overworked and stressed while surrounded by Flozberks, he would visit and unwind.

Flozberks, Flozberks Everywhere
After couple beers and some cannabinoids, he'd spill his guts in a torrent of worry, bewilderment, and frustration. His hypochondriac wife was languishing as so often seen in our family - sprawled in bed, getting high too much, drinking too much, buying stuff on Amazon, and just not pulling her weight in any wifely sense.

The in-laws baggage he'd stumbled into was a hot mess. He had to hire Neila and Reagan, his near-destitute parents-in-law, at his used car lot despite their being well short of ideal for the jobs. Often he wondered aloud how much money he was losing by employing them and loudly lamented having to look at and listen to Neila day after day.

Ryan, his brother-in-law, was a frequent stressor and disruption that would worsen to epic levels. Langdon's dislike of him was downright powerful and doubly warranted. Ryan, a longtime heroin-dealing junkie, was known to take a car for personal use off Langdon's lot, wreck it, and just grab another one and go.

He repeatedly confided to us that his worst fears were ending up like The Flozberks and becoming “Neila's bitch” like her poor husband Reagan. That term, coined by Langdon himself, became the title of Langdon's song after those worst fears indeed came to life.

Out Comes the Hatchet
Even worse, both my mother and Neila were hatchet-jobbing him just as Neila's husband Reagan before was hatcheted by Mom and Mutchie and I would later be hatcheted by Neila and Tiffany. He would even get hatchet jobbed by his own wife in one of the most baffling episodes I've ever witnessed.

Like Dad, Reagan, and me, Langdon was a pretty sensible fellow trapped in the middle of a clown college of foolishness and lost potential. Coexisting with and supporting those parasitic, peabrained clods drove the poor guy bonkers. I lost count of how many hours I spent absorbing his pained, cathartic lamentations.

Not One
Fast forward to early 2018. Our close friendship with Langdon and Tiffany died when Neila falsely accused me of dishonorably exploiting Dad. The only people who swallowed that hogwash were those with the epic foolishness to take Neila, the least credible person I've ever known, seriously.

Langdon embraced Neila's claims without asking me or Dad a single question. Not one. Nothing.

He had been a member of the family for about ten years and was acutely aware that the two Flozberk women running his life were often less than rational. His failure to engage the situation as a real man screams tragic volumes and in discussing how much our former friend really realizes what was going on, we could only reach one conclusion - he knows. Somewhere in there, he knows. There is no way he doesn't.

But, realization and action are two very different things, and the once-defiant, aware Langdon was falling right into line in a process to be completed, additionally tragically, about a year later on the last full day of Dad's life.

An Appalling, Potentially Life-Changing Error
The night before Dad died, Lisa entered comatose-Dad's room for the last time. Langdon was there, holding he and The Princess's Baby Corn Log. Lisa greeted him and the infant, reaching out to touch her foot, and he responded by pivoting the baby away from Lisa as if she were a danger and silently glaring at her as if he would kill her.

Bad mistake and totally uncalled for – she had not done anything. What a pussy. He and Lisa used to be very close. What a shame.

Despite the ongoing dispute, everyone had so far managed to be halfway civil since Dad got hurt. Reagan was especially nice, as one would expect. Langdon was the only person who couldn't control himself as Dad's life ended and the result was a slap to the face of our fallen, dying dear patriarch.

Lisa returned to the den, profoundly stunned and saddened, and told me what happened. Langdon is fortunate he didn't spend the next several months in the hospital after pulling such a stunt, but rather than breaking his damn fool neck, I suggested we just turn that part of the journey over to The Flozberks and leave. I didn't wan't Dad's last hours of life soiled by conflict and rancor.

Cap and Gown
Dad loved Lisa dearly and would have fiercely disapproved of that decidedly untimely spasm of wrath and idiocy. At that moment, Langdon became the stupid hick Mom repeatedly insisted him to be, but more significant, he earned his Flozberk U diploma. Shitting on things is what they do, and Langon had just shit on the last full day of Dad's life.

That sad night, he became what he had so long detested - a true Flozberk - as yet another passing of an elder was marred by these people in a long trail of chaos and suffering. Driving away from Dad's, I realized that I wasn't even angry at Langdon - the noble experiment in which I'd purged anger remained intact.

What I felt was sadness. Sadness for Dad. Sadness for Langdon. His transmutation into a Flozberk was now complete and his ballooning wife was tragically turning into her daft mess of a mother both above and below the neck, bringing his other deepest fear to life.

I wish the poor guy the best, but still, such a grand offense by him, plus those of his idiot wife, has opened their world to massive waves of response that I nonetheless hope never come to pass.

We would never have expected Langdon, had he bothered to be properly-informed, to “take our side.” That would be silly, and had it become an issue, I would have advised him AGAINST it – he made a baby with those kooks, not with us, and in the big picture we don't greatly matter. That doesn't mean, though, he should have just rolled over and folded as a conflict that tore apart the smashed remains of our family rolled on for a year.

A voice of sanity in their camp was sorely-needed, he was well-positioned to assume that role. Spineless Langdon failed miserably, richly earning the Neila's Bitch title he once so dreaded. Like with Reagan, we no longer regard his true last name - he's Flozberk property.

The Loan Wolf
A used car vendor with in-house financing, Langdon was tickled pink to be able to sell cars to poor people at staggering interest rates, then repo the car and repeat the process. As one who detests dirty money, even if earned completely legally, I would have been tormented doing that. A good night's sleep under that model would have been impossible for me.

A fellow I know who temporarily lost his soul to the used car biz phrased it better than I ever could:

The used car racket gets under your skin and quietly turns you into a lesser person. Cutting corners and bending rules fuels getting ahead in that very competitive market. The honest man my parents raised was dead and buried in an unmarked grave within 3 years. We made good money, but never have I been so glad to get out of anything. I don't want to make people pay $10,000 for a $3,000 shitbox car. It's just wrong.

Sadly, such prospects delighted Langdon.

I wish him well in the struggle to recover his humanity from the many dark places that have come to so imperil it and hope The Flozberk Women don't herd our affairs into a position in which he ends up...being afforded the opportunity for very much difficulty.

I feel terribly sorry for poor Langdon and hope his whole life doesn't get chewed up by The Flozberk Grinder. In a way, he was my favorite of the bunch.

Watch Langdon's music video "Neila's Bitch"
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