A Parade of Kooks
Silly monkeys
Give them thumbs, they make a club
And beat their brother down
How they've survived so misguided is a mystery
TOOL - "Right in Two" - 10,000 Days - 2006
**Ear size indicates relative pigginess**
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The Flozberk Family aka The Flozzies
The beasts have become the new masters.
Is reality compromised?
Haken - "Falling Back to Earth" - The Mountain - 2013
The present incarnation of the jackass festival, numbering five adults ruthlessly and clumsily ruled by the idiot catastrophist Neila.
Watch their music video "The Flozberk Family" HERE
Zsa Zsa aka The Ice Princess, ZZ Top 18??-194?
Cold as a razor blade.
Tight as a tourniquet.
Dry as a funeral drum.
Pink Floyd - "One of My Turns" - The Wall - 1979
Mom's grandmother, perhaps. A quasi-mythical figure revered by Mom despite being roundly deficient. ZZ was an iron-fisted ruler with zero tolerance for dissent or weakness and minimal inclination to be warm or supportive. It would seem that nobody escaped her shadow intact.
The way she was represented to me by Mom and Mutchie vs. what I see in the photos vs. Mom's more candid descriptions of her childhood illustrate the dream world engine that was chugging away in my family even before World War II ended.
A truly durable machine it has proven to be.
Read more HERE
Grandpa aka Theo 1898-1979
Do what I want and do as I please.
Iron Maiden - "The Prisoner" - The Number of the Beast - 1982
Mom's father, perhaps. A mysterious autocrat who did as he pleased and preferred to answer to no one. Before his brain melted, he was my favorite person on Earth. Grandpa was extremely partial to me, disinclined to discipline, and a total hoot with a wicked wit.
His history involved a bunch of cloak-and-dagger stuff and his lower leg was chewed up by what was said to be a machine gun attack. It's claimed he got several innocent people killed in various acts of subterfuge and he considered them amusing achievements.
Mom addressed him in fatherly form. He lived with Mutchie, but I saw no tenderness between them and I'm unaware of her ever having his last name. Whether he was one of Mutchie's many husbands remains a mystery befitting this saga.
He was a cool grandfather, but pulled some stunts that drove Mom nuts with one of them being a real doozy.
Read more HERE
Mutchie aka The Eternal Victim 1913-2002
I never wanna be old.
And I don't want dependents.
Porcupine Tree - "Sentimental" - Fear of a Blank Planet - 2007
Mom's mother, perhaps. Neila's de facto mother. An odd little foreigner woman and one of the kookiest people I've known, she was a pretty cool grandmother, keeping me well-stocked with pornography, seafood, and Tex-Mex food as a child and we got along quite well. Nothin' strange about any of that, right?
As a mother, though, this bizarre con woman, compulsive mail-order shopper, and hoarder was a disaster who messed up Mom's head something awful, essentially stole her daughter, and, guided by The Flozberks, shit on her in death, causing what Mom repeatedly called the worst pain she's known. It's fair to state that nobody escaped her shadow intact.
Read more HERE
Watch her music video "The Eternal Victim" HERE (coming soon)
Aydin aka TSoS (The Sultan of Sodomy) 1922-2014
Don't you come creepin' around making me do things I don't want to do
Judas Priest - "The Green Manalishi (With the Two-Pronged Crown)" - Killing Machine - 1978
Mom's idiot first husband, a smothering, self-centered degenerate who repeatedly cheated on her and gave her an STD after she wouldn't let him fuck her in the ass. Yeah, you read that right. The diseased sodomy cat is out of the infected cornhole bag.
That sordid matter lead to my existence.
Later, a long court battle involving him, Neila, and John destroyed the ends of Mom and Dad's lives. I'll have you know that nobody escaped his shadow intact.
Read more HERE
Watch his music video "A Rubber or Three" HERE
Dad aka Charlie 1931-2019
I'm tired of weakness, tired of my feet of clay
I'm tired of things to come, I'm tired of yesterday
Steven Wilson - "Pariah" - To the Bone - 2017
No pig ears for this rare gentleman. Never did I see Dad do anything wicked to another person. A very capable, hard working, reliable man, his weakness was his weakness - he was badly intimidated by Mom, and later Neila, resulting in serious imbalances and many poor outcomes. Otherwise, he was a true badass that I'm very proud to call my Dad.
Working as an engineer in Turkey, he stumbled over Mom, grew smitten with her, and ended up saddled with a gaggle of 5 kooks, all depicted on this page, that worked him half to death, smothered and wrecked his life, deprived him of his relatives, drugged him for years, abused his son, and left him a tired old man full of fears and regrets.
Uh, and that's just for starters.
Distinctly competent, yet blind from ARMD, he revoked Neila's power of attorney, a document he did not recall signing, then made me his attorney-in-fact and was in a coma with a head injury less than 24 hours later, dying on his 88th birthday in a stunning turn of events. He had an appointment the day after his death to sign a new will that would remove Neila as executor and ensure I, as Mom and Dad's sole biological child, got an equal shake.
Later, Princess Corn Log would spread appalling, heartbreaking rumors implying I murdered him and Neila shafted me out of a hefty chunk of my childhood home as she hid behind her attorney. Fancy that, eh?
Read more HERE
Watch his music video "Like a Broom" HERE
Includes video from his funeral
Mom aka Queen Kool 1937-2015
Still shackled to the shadow
That followed you
Stone Temple Pilots - "Sin" - Core - 1992
A brilliant, fascinating fool who did tons of good largely and tragically negated by her crippling flaws.
Early on, she was a dynamo, but after suffering health woes in the late 1970s, she regressed to the sofa with her TV remote and beloved Kool menthols, smoking herself into sedentary oblivion and rarely leaving the house for 30 years while smothering Dad's life into a sad, dark dungeon devoid of the typical joys a man seeks in a mate.
Despite her looniness and the vast frustration she caused, I'm happy to have been hers, for what she brought to the table (and something like half of my DNA) would have been impossible to replace. She had a rare capacity that could have produced exceptional results, but instead fell short with a very uneven outcome. Sadly, nobody escaped her shadow intact.
Read more HERE
Watch her music video "16,000 Days" HERE
Includes my music video "Gray Morning Compromise"
John aka The Golden Psycho 1954-20??
It's not enough. I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don't want it. I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.
TOOL - "Stinkfist" -Ænima - 1992
My idiot half-brother via Mom and Aydin. They don't make pig ears hefty enough for this epic fucktard - a four times-married (plus one catastrophic engagement), thrice-divorced arrogant autocrat, narcissist, compulsive shopper, and con man for the ages. He and Neila were never close, but they have much, MUCH more in common than either would dare to admit.
His idiot father Aydin much favored Neila, so Mom overcompensated by VASTLY overvaluing him, a process that created pseudo-twin monsters. He often behaved sadistically, delighting in scaring the shit out of me and subjecting me to a barrage of near-drownings, choke holds, teasing, mocking, derision, shakedowns, and manipulation. 14 years his junior, I didn't stand a chance against him.
Young, I adored him - he was an important part of my life...so long as all was on his terms. As I reached the age of free will, though, things gradually soured until full estrangement mercifully dawned when he sued Neila and Reagan (and Mom) in a war to care for/exploit demented Aydin.
Like with Aydin, after a good start, the more I learned about him, the more disgusting he became. You may be surprised to learn that, uh, nobody left his shadow intact.
Read more HERE
Reagan aka Delightful Monster 1956-20??
Everybody knows she's got you on a leash
Y&T - "Mean Streak" - Mean Streak - 1992
Neila's husband of nearly a half century, my longest-standing friend for decades, and the most mild-mannered person I've ever known. A figure both tragic and very fortunate, I've never seen Reagan angry despite him being surrounded by loons all his adult life.
Reagan was a delight to me as a kid, this child in a man's body. He loved playing games, humor, and dabbling in mischief. Despite the 12 year age gap, we were buddies who often just plain clicked. Many of my fondest memories involve him and, to boot, he gave me, at the ripe old age of 10, his large erotica collection when Neila made him dump it after the wedding.
I spent far too much of my childhood fighting with Mom over her and Mutchie's frequent vicious gossip about him. They were friendly to him, but would rake him over the coals behind his back. Much later, as they faced elderly decay, though, Reagan was a primary caretaker for both and Mom grew to love him as a replacement son to fill the hole left by The Golden Psycho.
He's also one of the biggest half-assed slackers I've ever met and he and Ryan are the father-son pair who have worked the least, by far, of F-S pairs I've known. Paradoxically, he would often show a strong sense of propriety and made much effort to be a big help, but he far too often get bad mileage from his work while cowering under the boots of his autocratic wife and failing to stop her from engaging in some quite poor behavior.
Read more HERE
Watch his music video "Delightful Monster" HERE (coming soon)
Neila aka The Sue Chef 1958-202? (Est.)
You need someone to help you stick the needle in
Black Sabbath - "Hand of Doom" - Paranoid - 1970
My idiot half-sister via Mom and Aydin. Once truly beautiful, my favorite person, and always one capable of making a great positive difference, she devolved into an cynical, volatile, underhanded, parasitic, obese, half-assed, loudmouth junkie-enabler at the hands of, for starters, a diet of lawsuits, overspending, bad food, worse TV, and a hefty dose of general foolishness.
We became estranged when Dad and I asserted my and his rights after we'd both been marginalized for generations and I exposed The Flozberks, standing up to them and calling them out on both a litany of bad behavior going way back and poor performance caring for Dad and his dog.
After starting a hatchet job campaign against me in 2018 that literally almost killed me, now this walking multisensory assault has screwed me on my fair share of my childhood home.
Her saccharine, forced jollity and oft-earnest helpfulness make what lies just beneath the surface all the more dangerous. The long, bitter legacy of chaos and dreadful results under her watch is impressive and, frankly, I've a nagging suspicion nobody has left her shadow intact.
Read MUCH more HERE
Watch her music video "Toxic Buffoon" HERE (coming soon)
Ryan aka The Original Affluenza Teen 1984-202? (Est.)
Will you follow me DOWN?
Stone Temple Pilots - "Down" - No. 4 - 1999
Neila and Reagan's idiot son, a remarkably troubled chap with whom I got along great for many years. Dude thought damn near everything I said was hilarious and we bonded over the video game DOOM and Adam Sandler.
He showed many signs of imbalance as a child and suffered health problems, which seem to have been exaggerated and snowballed into a quixotic 2004 lawsuit against a MLM supplement outfit which consumed Neila and her family for years. They did not prevail and the defendant remains in business.
As he grew up, the unachieving and overprivileged Ryan became an addict and a scourge on both his family and society for many years before derailing in absolutely epic fashion and becoming one of the most verbally abusive and deranged people I've ever seen. As he neared that implosion, Neila would summon him instead of us to care for Dad because, well, she was mad at us, see.
I am not aware of Ryan clocking into a real job for even one shift in his entire life.
It was by following him on a short drive to a Flozberk trademark fiasco at Public Storage, then discussing it with him that it became clear what a massive moronic douchebag he really was. Nobody escapes Ryan's shadow intact.
Read more HERE
Watch his music video "The BiggERest LosERer" HERE
Langdon aka Neila's Bitch 1982-20??
It's your own fault - crawl boy crawl
Golden Earring - "Are You Receiving Me?" - Moontan - 1973
Princess Corn Log's husband and a former dear friend of ours, Langdon was a good ol' boy who used to come over and hang out over bong hits, cold beer, loud music, pizza, and tacos while venting his vast frustrations over the group of dysfunctional clods he'd married into.
After our rift with Neila, though, he fell into line and swallowed every word from her without even asking me or Dad a single question. As someone who not only knew well that Neila was not credible but also had actually been hatchet jobbed by her, he knows better than that. Oh well.
In the last hours of Dad's life, he unleashed some horrid behavior against Lisa, who Dad adored, that would have made the old man livid. At that moment, he earned both his sheepskin from Flozberk U and his nickname, which, ironically, he came up with yeas ago.
A seemingly really good guy when I met him, he's followed a path from college > the meat counter > used car dealer > breeding with The Flozberks > predatory lender > aspiring politician. Plenty of pitfalls there in which a good man can lose himself. May he somehow one day emerge intact.
A deep dig into his past has revealed that he might not be nearly as good a dude as we once fancied him to be.
Read more HERE
Watch his music video "Neila's Bitch" HERE
Tiffany aka Princess Corn Log 1987-20??
Your mouth should be boarded up
Porcupine Tree - "Fear of a Blank Planet" - Fear of a Blank Planet - 2007
Neila and Reagan's idiot daughter. We were close for about 30 years before my conflict with Neila ended our relationship. The first time we sat upstairs at the car lot, met with Bong Jovi, and discussed our family in depth, her emotional intensity was almost overwhelming. She said it was the first time she really understood things. I get it.
Her youth followed a path not unlike mine - well-loved, yet often miserable and not quite sure why. She soothed herself by eating everything in sight, then moved on to latch onto other ways to ease those pesky pathogens called stress and sorrow.
After being a lost soul for years, she met Langdon and he stabilized her a bit, then after more frustration she finally got it in gear and became an RN. The Princess has significant aptitude but remains badly scarred by Flozberkism. Watching her begin to turn into her Mother both above and below the neck after it looked like she might drag herself out of the swamp like John's kids did was hard to take and I'll be happy to witness no more of it.
On the bright side, her booty-birthing of a massive corn log she neglected to flush led to a song, then a concept album and a running gag that made Dad, a chuckler, unleash the hardest belly laughs I've seen from him. I sincerely thank her for that.
For the rumors that I murdered Dad, not so much thanks there. That earned her some right big-ass pig ears, for starters.
Read more HERE
Watch her music video "Princess Corn Log" HERE
Honorable Mentions
Reagan's Dad 1922-2008
Do it somewhere far away from here
A Perfect Circle - "The Outsider" - Thirteenth Step - 2003
A very nice man I knew since I was a little kid, he struck me as a textbook gentleman who sired three nice children.
Old and exhausted from a long battle with cancer (and clearly some other things, too), he opted to leave us in a most remarkable and impactful manner that might be the single most jarring occurrence in our family's history.
It stands as yet another wretched outcome in Neila's dark history as a caregiver.
Read much more HERE
Reagan's Mom 1926-2013
I'm a collector, I collect everything I find
I never throw anything away that's mine
Steven Wilson - "Index" - Grace for Drowning - 2011
A very nice lady I knew since I was a little kid, she was a pleasure to talk to and had a sharp, engaging wit. Going through my parents' things after they died, I noticed that she often sent greeting cards with well-wishes to them when hearing they were under the weather. That speaks very well of her.
When she died of natural causes over 5 years after her husband, it was revealed that she was a hoarder who jam-packed their home with needless and duplicate items. I'm told it was jaw-dropping.
That makes our hoarder count at least 2 (Mutchie), and more likely 3, for Langdon unequivocally claimed Neila to be a hoarder and my limited opportunities to investigate suggested he was earnest.
I liked Reagan's parents and prefer to keep their exposure here limited, but they are significant. Despite looking like normal white bread Americans, the ends of their lives revealed things far from normal and the Reagan + Neila interbreeding of their camp with The Istanbul Bunch certainly produced some remarkable results.
Tasha 2005-2019
I wish I could have been for you a more consistent friend
The chapters that I skipped I'm going to have to read again
Kevin Gilbert - "Song for a Dead Friend" - Thud - 1995
The caboose in a train of 5 near-identical female German Shepherd Dogs Mom and Dad would consecutively make part of the family, Tasha, a hot mess, was my buddy.
Badly neurotic after years of repression of her natural exuberance by Mom's uptight, clueless anthropomorphism, she chewed her own tail almost off, requiring amputation, much to Mom's woe and puzzlement.
For many years, she was routinely nauseous and vomiting in a food allergy debacle I tried to remedy, but Mom bitterly resisted my efforts. Imagine being nauseous for about 10 years.
Then, while Neila and Reagan were Mom and Dad's primary caretakers, they pretty much let Tasha rot while soaking my parents for big bucks. Her nails got so long that they hobbled her and it took years of frequent trips to the vet to get them halfway back to normal. She didn't live long enough to see full remediation
She was not brushed or washed. Like with Mutchie's poor dog, they made sure Tasha didn't starve or dry up and that was about it. Only after did we took over was Tasha cared anything close to properly. Lisa, once she got better from her severe injury, went all out to take exceptionally fine care of that dog.
Tasha was obsessed with Dad - he was her world, and after Mom died, Tasha was Dad's world. They fought through the ravages of age together and after Dad was killed, I had miserable, tattered Tasha euthanized in the most gut-wrenching day of my life, ending a wretched family tradition of forcing our dogs to slowly suffer to death and closing the book on My Life Version 1.x.
Read more HERE